I met my ex-husband on my 18th birthday. How and why we met doesn't matter. What matters is that I was a sweet, naive and socially adventurous girl. And what he seemed like was an equally socially adventurous, sweet and handsome guy. But what I couldn't see was the damaged creature that lived within.
I'll never know why he was so damaged under the surface. He came from a loving set of parents, with a good moral background. He really seemed like the whole package. He was there for me when my grandmother passed away, and comforted me when I really needed it. But he has a dark side that would quickly creep in snatch my feet from beneath me and leave me bewildered. I thought I could fix him...I thought.
I never really thought things would escalate between us. I thought he just needed some TLC. Everyone gets kicked around in life, shouldn't some love fix the hurt? I can't really explain to you why I stayed or why I thought things would change. He just seemed like the only real thing I had going on in my life.
He slowly crept into my mind like a virus. He planted little thoughts into my head and made me feel like he was the only person who could give me what I needed. He was almost an emotional drug dealer. He would give me my fix and then up the price while my back was turned. He made it hard to know was truth and lies. I became uneasy with my family and friends. I became paranoid, everyone was after me he said, but not him. He had my back. At the time I had no idea that he was slowly separating me from anyone who would have seen the signs of abuse.
He always came off so cool and collected almost a Bond like figure. Smooth and on the money with a quick whit and a gleaming smile to match. What people didn't see was the man he was at home. An abusive alcoholic who's favorite past time was telling me, with a plethora of large words, that I wasn't good enough to exists. He always said that anyone who thought he was a good guy "Didn't know him very well", and it was true. It was a laughable quote in the beginning but slowly it became a dark unshakable truth. No one who knew the man liked him. He burned every bridge he got close to.
I'm going to leave this post at that. I'm a few days from my first divorce hearing and due to his continuous harassment I'm a shaking crumbling mess, but more about that in the next post. The good news is I finally figured out how to block his number from contacting me which gives me a great sense of relief but also a weird sense of loss, almost like losing a race. But that also, is something he put into me. That giving up on things makes you a loser. But I'm going to leave you all on this note. Leaving an abusive marriage doesn't make you a quite or a loser, it makes you survivor. Just remember this is your first step to a second chance at a wonderful life. And if you're still in an abusive marriage I hope my words can help you get to where to need to be to leave.
Love yourself first, and lets start a survivor cycle to end the abuse cycle.
Love always,
Cheesecake
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