It really hard to not place blame.
When you are a survivor of emotional abuse you always feel like you must be the reason that things have happened. I like to relate it to Stockholm syndrome, you are so brainwashed that you think it's your fault. But it's not.
I sat having a very long conversation with Scotty tonight. We traded stories and came up on my recent situation with my ex-husband. I began telling him about my ex and how I wanted to blame him but couldn't. No matter how young a had been at the time I felt like I should have known better. Should have known better than to fall into his web. I honestly don't feel like I had a chance, but I should have known when someone wanted all of my time that something should have been wrong.
I was an impressionable 18 year old. I had no idea what an addicted personality looked like. I just thought he was sad. Very sad. Someone who needed a someone to show them they cared.I tried so hard. So hard. It was like climbing the mount Everest of emotional issues. I really thought for once in my life I could make it to the top of this peak and go back down. And I did, just not in the way I had imagined.
He had been married and divorced by the time he was 26. And I know I can't talk, I'm 25 in nearly 2 weeks, and going through a divorce. But his was different. He claimed all kinds of aggravated assault, not that I deny it. But I fear that due to his abuse he was perpetuating the cycle of abuse. I had stood clearly in the ground of giving everyone their own fair chance and doing my best to show everyone I meet that I love them. I'm not one to let someones emotions change my attitude towards life.
My childhood wasn't the greatest. My parent's were divorced by the time I was 9. I was uprooted and taken to another state far from my father. And sequestered to be around my mother (whom I love and adore) and my Nan. I never really remember having too close of a bond with my Nan. She always seemed very cold, calculating and intelligent. When she spoke it carried a certain weight. She and had never really had much common ground and for some reason she seemed to get a certain amount of pleasure out of making my life hell. She was hell on wheels and had a knack for demeaning my sense of anything, fashion, music, humor. It was hard to be around her. She would chase me through her house and call me names, lock me in my room and not feed me. It was a strained existence for a child. I was never aloud to have friends over and often when I did she would find a reason to have them sent home.
None the less, I took her cold hearted ways and did my best to not turn into her. It's hard to spend a large amount of time around someone abusive and not adopt some of their angry tendencies. I suggest to anyone going through or just getting out of an abusive situation to take a look at yourself and do what you can to heal yourself. It's hard in the moment to not return the same vicious words that are spewed at you by an abusive loved one. But remember that you need to start everyone with clean slate and do your best to treat them better than you want to be treated.
I'm rambling now...Have a positive week!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
The Maiden Voyage
Every time I start something I feel like I'm smashing a bottle of champagne against a ship, we wont know if it will be like the Titanic or something slightly more successful. But here goes nothing everything.
I met my ex-husband on my 18th birthday. How and why we met doesn't matter. What matters is that I was a sweet, naive and socially adventurous girl. And what he seemed like was an equally socially adventurous, sweet and handsome guy. But what I couldn't see was the damaged creature that lived within.
I'll never know why he was so damaged under the surface. He came from a loving set of parents, with a good moral background. He really seemed like the whole package. He was there for me when my grandmother passed away, and comforted me when I really needed it. But he has a dark side that would quickly creep in snatch my feet from beneath me and leave me bewildered. I thought I could fix him...I thought.
I never really thought things would escalate between us. I thought he just needed some TLC. Everyone gets kicked around in life, shouldn't some love fix the hurt? I can't really explain to you why I stayed or why I thought things would change. He just seemed like the only real thing I had going on in my life.
He slowly crept into my mind like a virus. He planted little thoughts into my head and made me feel like he was the only person who could give me what I needed. He was almost an emotional drug dealer. He would give me my fix and then up the price while my back was turned. He made it hard to know was truth and lies. I became uneasy with my family and friends. I became paranoid, everyone was after me he said, but not him. He had my back. At the time I had no idea that he was slowly separating me from anyone who would have seen the signs of abuse.
He always came off so cool and collected almost a Bond like figure. Smooth and on the money with a quick whit and a gleaming smile to match. What people didn't see was the man he was at home. An abusive alcoholic who's favorite past time was telling me, with a plethora of large words, that I wasn't good enough to exists. He always said that anyone who thought he was a good guy "Didn't know him very well", and it was true. It was a laughable quote in the beginning but slowly it became a dark unshakable truth. No one who knew the man liked him. He burned every bridge he got close to.
I'm going to leave this post at that. I'm a few days from my first divorce hearing and due to his continuous harassment I'm a shaking crumbling mess, but more about that in the next post. The good news is I finally figured out how to block his number from contacting me which gives me a great sense of relief but also a weird sense of loss, almost like losing a race. But that also, is something he put into me. That giving up on things makes you a loser. But I'm going to leave you all on this note. Leaving an abusive marriage doesn't make you a quite or a loser, it makes you survivor. Just remember this is your first step to a second chance at a wonderful life. And if you're still in an abusive marriage I hope my words can help you get to where to need to be to leave.
Love yourself first, and lets start a survivor cycle to end the abuse cycle.
Love always,
Cheesecake
I met my ex-husband on my 18th birthday. How and why we met doesn't matter. What matters is that I was a sweet, naive and socially adventurous girl. And what he seemed like was an equally socially adventurous, sweet and handsome guy. But what I couldn't see was the damaged creature that lived within.
I'll never know why he was so damaged under the surface. He came from a loving set of parents, with a good moral background. He really seemed like the whole package. He was there for me when my grandmother passed away, and comforted me when I really needed it. But he has a dark side that would quickly creep in snatch my feet from beneath me and leave me bewildered. I thought I could fix him...I thought.
I never really thought things would escalate between us. I thought he just needed some TLC. Everyone gets kicked around in life, shouldn't some love fix the hurt? I can't really explain to you why I stayed or why I thought things would change. He just seemed like the only real thing I had going on in my life.
He slowly crept into my mind like a virus. He planted little thoughts into my head and made me feel like he was the only person who could give me what I needed. He was almost an emotional drug dealer. He would give me my fix and then up the price while my back was turned. He made it hard to know was truth and lies. I became uneasy with my family and friends. I became paranoid, everyone was after me he said, but not him. He had my back. At the time I had no idea that he was slowly separating me from anyone who would have seen the signs of abuse.
He always came off so cool and collected almost a Bond like figure. Smooth and on the money with a quick whit and a gleaming smile to match. What people didn't see was the man he was at home. An abusive alcoholic who's favorite past time was telling me, with a plethora of large words, that I wasn't good enough to exists. He always said that anyone who thought he was a good guy "Didn't know him very well", and it was true. It was a laughable quote in the beginning but slowly it became a dark unshakable truth. No one who knew the man liked him. He burned every bridge he got close to.
I'm going to leave this post at that. I'm a few days from my first divorce hearing and due to his continuous harassment I'm a shaking crumbling mess, but more about that in the next post. The good news is I finally figured out how to block his number from contacting me which gives me a great sense of relief but also a weird sense of loss, almost like losing a race. But that also, is something he put into me. That giving up on things makes you a loser. But I'm going to leave you all on this note. Leaving an abusive marriage doesn't make you a quite or a loser, it makes you survivor. Just remember this is your first step to a second chance at a wonderful life. And if you're still in an abusive marriage I hope my words can help you get to where to need to be to leave.
Love yourself first, and lets start a survivor cycle to end the abuse cycle.
Love always,
Cheesecake
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