It's Not Your Fault

It really hard to not place blame.

When you are a survivor of emotional abuse you always feel like you must be the reason that things have happened. I like to relate it to Stockholm syndrome, you are so brainwashed that you think it's your fault. But it's not.

I sat having a very long conversation with Scotty tonight. We traded stories and came up on my recent situation with my ex-husband. I began telling him about my ex and how I wanted to blame him but couldn't. No matter how young a had been at the time I felt like I should have known better. Should have known better than to fall into his web. I honestly don't feel like I had a chance, but I should have known when someone wanted all of my time that something should have been wrong.

I was an impressionable 18 year old. I had no idea what an addicted personality looked like. I just thought he was sad. Very sad. Someone who needed a someone to show them they cared.I tried so hard. So hard. It was like climbing the mount Everest of emotional issues. I really thought for once in my life I could make it to the top of this peak and go back down. And I did, just not in the way I had imagined.

He had been married and divorced by the time he was 26. And I know I can't talk, I'm 25 in nearly 2 weeks, and going through a divorce. But his was different. He claimed all kinds of aggravated assault, not that I deny it. But I fear that due to his abuse he was perpetuating the cycle of abuse. I had stood clearly in the ground of giving everyone their own fair chance and doing my best to show everyone I meet that I love them. I'm not one to let someones emotions change my attitude towards life.

My childhood wasn't the greatest. My parent's were divorced by the time I was 9. I was uprooted and taken to another state far from my father. And sequestered to be around my mother (whom I love and adore) and my Nan. I never really remember having too close of a bond with my Nan. She always seemed very cold, calculating and intelligent. When she spoke it carried a certain weight. She and had never really had much common ground and for some reason she seemed to get a certain amount of pleasure out of making my life hell. She was hell on wheels and had a knack for demeaning my sense of anything, fashion, music, humor. It was hard to be around her. She would chase me through her house and call me names, lock me in my room and not feed me. It was a strained existence for a child. I was never aloud to have friends over and often when I did she would find a reason to have them sent home.

None the less, I took her cold hearted ways and did my best to not turn into her. It's hard to spend a large amount of time around someone abusive and not adopt some of their angry tendencies. I suggest to anyone going through or just getting out of an abusive situation to take a look at yourself and do what you can to heal yourself. It's hard in the moment to not return the same vicious words that are spewed at you by an abusive loved one. But remember that you need to start everyone with clean slate and do your best to treat them better than you want to be treated.

I'm rambling now...Have a positive week!